I was checking my blog, and it was completely empty. That's right, I've only posted once this year. Lol. The more I think about it, the more I realize it was simply a result of my laziness.
The year 2021 will be over. The new year will start. I just want to go through everything that has occurred to me this year. It won't be too happy, but I simply want to write it all. However, it is memories that have defined me this year.
January
Well, I started a new job in December 2020. It's a job I'm glad for since it's exactly what I'm looking for. At first, I have no idea what to do when there was no work to be done, but then I attempted to see the brights side of my job. I'd be able to learn a lot about anything. It's such a gift to be able to perform the job that we're passionate about, isn't it?
Then, this is the first time I got the chance to travel. I have never gone anywhere since the outbreak of the pandemic. So, for the yearly meeting, my office decided to go to Bandung. However, it became very awkward because I am the newcomer and the only girl in that situation. Sigh.
Oh, anyway... I got bad news from him in the new years eve. Yeah. He tested positive COVID-19 back then. My assumption on my last post in 2020 was true. It literally shocked me.. but well... what could I do? I only can pray for the best, tho. Luckily, he was asymptomatic. I felt relieved knowing he was negative two weeks after.
February
"It's (indeed) unfair."
Yeah. His confession broke me a lot at that time. I literally cry over it. I mean.. am I not that much to be fought for? Those facts indeed made him stay... but after all, it still broke me so many times--maybe until now.
It's pretty ironic when I found Wonder from Shawn Mendes.
Right before I close my eyes
The only thing that's on my mind
Been dreamin' that you feel it too
I wonder what it's like to be loved by you
Another ironic quote that I found that month:
Tell me,
How do I know when to stop?
How can I be so sure,
Whether to keep fighting for us,
Or accept the fact that
You are not for me;
That you were never meant for me?
How long should I wait?
What would happen if things actually work out yet I decided to give up?
What would happen if I kept holding on yet our stars were never actually aligned?
I hate this wondering,
I despise them.
Don't you?
Of course, you don't,
Why would you?
-- A Thousand Words for You, Raissa Almira.
March
If I am not mistaken, my role in office has been extended. Now, I've been given the opportunity to take over social media. At first, I was really afraid I would make some mistakes... but then, I just embrace myself and do my best. Anyway, finally, my design skill is really helping me out. Fyuuh.
Another thing that I like about my work is I also can study again. When will I read a non-fiction book other than my college material? It felt so surreal when I can finish reading The Spider and The Starfish. The more I know, it's just the beginning of our weekly getting more knowledge through our work.
Then.. again.. at the beginning of the month, he told me he tested positive (again) for COVID-19. Not gonna lie, I wanna curse at him, "why are you so stupid?". But, I don't have the heart to say it. Once again, I tried to cheer him up.. but yeah... That's the only thing I can do. The funny thing is... I list out how so damn different we are.
Side note, I joined the Bangtan Academy Discord server and have completed one of the lessons there. Well, maybe in 2022, I should consider studying more diligently.
April
My highlight is.. yeah... I finally decided to buy a new phone. A phone that costs me a lot. But, since I can buy it using my own money, I am really grateful. Well, tbh, he slightly questioned my decision but... I don't care. Anyway, he did forget my birthday again.
Then, after some drama, finally, I can spend my holiday out of town. Even though it's only going to Cianjur, I still feel so happy. That short escape makes me smile all the way.
May
I spent my Ramadhan and Eid at home. I am very grateful because I can do my work at home. Therefore, I can spend a lot of time together with my family. Then, when I had to go back to Jakarta, it's for Annual Foundation Meeting that was held at... none other than The Dharmawangsa. To be very honest, I was very shocked by all of that arrangement.
Then, another thing in life this month... I finally said it... "How I wish we do have a relationship..." but.. yeah.. just like what Bon Iver sing on Exile... "I think I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending."
June
In this month, I was involved more in managing social media. At least, that's the thing that I the best of. I feel like.. "I can contribute more through this way.."
Our convo this month has become more frontal. We talked about something that we never talked about. Maybe, since my confession back then, we are brave enough to talk about this matter. We are comfortable enough.
One of my memorable lines from this month, "If I am too good for you, why don't you come up here and join me on my good level?"Maybe I am just pathetic... to say this.
July
The second wave of COVID was really scary. I really don't want to go out since then.
Tbh, this month is very hard for me since I know what's happening to his family. I really feel helpless. I can't do anything to cheer him up. I think.. this real border when I know... I am merely a stranger in the online world for him.
August
Starting from this month, I was continuing my journey on Duolingo. Finished #1 in the Diamond League is possible and I am really proud of myself.
I learned something unexpected from him. I think.. this is the beginning of the argument "we are very stubborn in our own way.. so.. it would be very difficult to compromise."
September
How I wish I didn't send that wishes... Sigh. Another rejection? Checked. What a sigh.
Then, my lovely phone.. the one that has accompanied me from about three years ago.. finally dead. It really broke me since I really love that phone.
Because I really can't use my iPhone completely, I decided to buy android again. After that, I use that phone to play BTS Universe Story. Some of the stories are intriguing. It made me not bored to play it.
October
My first travel experience... and it's so damn scary on another level. Fortunately, It worked well. No drama at all. Fyuh.
I beg something from him.. but... it's not happening. I should've known this.
At the end of this month, my one and only grandma have passed away. So, I decided to go back to Malang. Maybe, this is one of my impulsive decision ever...
November
My random decision this month? Playing Genshing Impact. But, not gonna lie, it's very interesting. I should admit that I love adventure games.. but I know that I am very bad at defeating monsters.
After that convo... I think he decided to take a distance from me. After all... I am really questioning... are we starting to lose each other? I don't know... I got a lot of mixed feelings.
December
I got a contract renewal for my job. Another year in my current office. Then, I got the chance to travel to Bali. What a relaxing trip to some extent. I love being there a lot.
But for him... I think he has indeed distanced himself from me. Until now, there's no news from him. Well, I ain't his priority, not even an option, what could I say? I thought, 2021 would be different.. but at the end, the dream has become only a dream. No more.
So...
Dear me, dear Ra, dear myself...
You're not pathetic. You always can choose to be happy. You deserved to be happy. Hope there are no tears anymore. No anxious feeling anymore. It's not greed and also not a sin.
What you have this year is very beautiful. Those tears, heartbreak, and longing feelings are valid. Whatever it is, that's part of the memories that define you. That's what's makes you be you.
Then... if somehow the multi-universe does exist, I really wonder if there's a version of me and him together. Will we complete each other or... break each other until the end?
I don't know what the future will be like. I don't know whether I will get another love story. I don't know whether my feeling is still valid and dedicated to him or not... but after all, I always try my best to be happy. Even though the tears are still streaming down own my face.
Goodbye, 2021! Thank you for all of the memories. Thank you for all of the beautiful journeys. Now, let's greet 2022. It's maybe still dark because it is still the year of pandemic.. but.. let's make a positive life throughout the year. Just be happy. That's all and that's enough.
Lots of love,
Ra at 22.22
